It's Friday 16th November. A cold, crisp morning. I felt anxious, somewhat apprehensive. Today was the day of my first counselling session, it was finally here. I remember coming up with a mantra to repeat to myself ever since learning I had ESRD (end-stage renal disease):

"No more tears, I'm strong, just one day at a time"

Believe it or not, I'm a fiercely private person, I don't often share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Being able to muster up the courage to write my thoughts for others to see and read has been a challenge in itself, I managed to do it because I could see the benefit in getting thoughts out of my head. There is something strangely therapeutic about emptying ones mind of thoughts, pouring them out onto a piece of paper (or in this modern electronic age - ePaper). It helps quieten the constant noise, the buzz of questions I can't yet answer. Certainty has deserted me, uncertainty is my new best friend. I digress, back to counselling...

Opening wounds, and talking of the past isn't my style, I'm more known for keeping my head down and staying busy. However, at this stage in my life, I recognise I'm hurting. Quietly I cry for myself and my children when I'm alone - it's become a daily occurrence. I've had moments where I've caught myself replaying videos in my mind, videos that haven't been recorded yet... In each one I'm saying "goodbye" to my children, so they could see and hear me - their mummy - speak of my love for them one last time.

This is the harsh reality I'm living, having dark thoughts and no real outlet to talk about these feelings - without being judged. I don't need to be told I'm being dramatic! Or to be asked, "Where is all this coming from?" I don't want sympathy, I need empathy. Heartfelt empathy. I don't want to waste my time speaking to someone whose job it is to simply go through the motions. I want to be able to spend time talking with someone who has either been through what I'm going through or has been close enough to it, to know what I'm feeling. The thoughts I'm having.

Learning I had this disease shocked me to the core. I blame myself, constantly thinking I've done something wrong for this to have happened to me. I'm waking up to the realisation that my life could be cut short. It's natural to think about a future I may not get to witness. My youngest's graduation, my eldest passing his driving test. Engagements, marriages, first child announcements. All the things we take for granted. The prospect and rigidity of dialysis with no end in sight drains me mentally. Having all of this inside, I couldn't help but feel guarded in the lead up to the counselling session. That said, knowing I've found myself in a dark place, talking to someone neutral, was the best solution for turning my thoughts around. Rebuilding faith in myself and developing coping strategies to get through the lows of each day. Each time I'm reminded of my illness. At times it's been overwhelming, all-consuming.

I arrived at the counsellor's office early, perhaps a bit too early. I wanted to give myself time to calm my nerves, plus I felt tired after working a long shift day. Sometimes it's better not to stop or pause, otherwise, I'll never get going again! Today was no different. The counsellor was a pleasant woman, her office was warm with soft lighting, nothing sterile or cold as I had imagined. She offered me a warm drink and gestured towards a comfy sofa to relax. I noticed a large box of tissues on a side table between us. I sat down and then came the first question, "Naomi, can you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

I had no expectations as to how the session would begin, though on reflection, asking me to talk about myself was probably the best and most logical opener. It gave me the opportunity to talk about Me the person, she didn't just want to hear about my problems my illness. We had an hour booked, I took a deep breath before starting to tell my story, the tears began to flow. The stress I'd been holding on to started to melt away. I was no longer feeling guarded, this was a safe place. I could speak from the heart about my fears. What I realised is we all need a positive and safe outlet, if we can't fully and honestly open up to friends and feel heard, seeking professional counselling is an option we shouldn't rule out.

For some, going to a counselling session has a certain stigma attached to it. They think it's for "crazy people". Or people who should be in an institution. They feel it won't do any good or won't help improve the situation. The reality is, it might. You won't know unless you try. What I've learned so far is there's no shame in saying, "I need help" or "I'm having dark thoughts right now". Living with a life-changing condition will push you to the edge - and then some! Which is why it's important to learn how to cope and move forward. We all have a path in life to walk. Some will have fewer obstructions along the way than others. The challenges we find on our path, are ours to conquer or capitulate to. I choose to conquer them! To arm myself with the tools I need to move forward.

The bottom line as I see it - There are People and Services geared up to help. They recognise it's a difficult time, and they want to help me tackle those challenges in ways that were not immediately obvious to me.
Reminds me of the following advert(s)...



Nobody should suffer in silence. It's important to talk, let it out! Don't bottle it up and let it fester. Looking after our mental health is paramount to the success of our recovery.

So, from one kidney warrior to another, keep going, seek help.
If all you do at a counselling session is cry, believe me, it's a good start, and a step in the right direction.

You can drop me a message either via Twitter @Naomi_My_Story or HERE I love reading all of your messages of encouragement.
If you are moved by my story and want to get more involved, please consider doing one of the following two things:

1. Registering to become an Organ Donor here: https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/ if you do, be sure to let me know!
New registrations give me a boost!

2. If you want to help me directly by being tested to see if you could donate, you will need to be aware of the following:
  • Firstly, I am BLOOD TYPE O-NEGATIVE it's important you know this in advance to be considered for a possible direct donation.
    Failing that, an indirect donation is still a possibility. Please still get in touch using the below...
  • Secondly, please complete THIS FORM and someone will get back to you to move things forward.

AGAIN, THANK YOU!